Chayei Sarah - Unspoken Virtues

This week's parsha tells us of the mission Eliezer was sent to fulfill, to find a wife for Yitzchak, his master's son. Eliezer requested of G-d a sign to show him who was fitting for Yitzchak, and the request he makes is a fascinating one. Technically, all Eliezer needed to do was seek out Betuel and Lavan and pick out the girl for Yitzchak. Yet he doesn't do that. Instead, he sets up a test of sorts: “Behold I am standing by the spring water...let it be that the maiden to whom I shall say ‘Please tip over your jug so I may drink’, and who replies ‘Drink, and I will even water your camels.’”

The Malbim explains, that the motivation for Eliezer's request was to glean something about the character of Rivka. He preferred someone of modest means, the kind who would draw water herself, not through her servants, despite her family's wealth.

Eliezer asks G-d that Rivka should respond, “Drink, and I will even water your camels.” The Sforno explains that her response will go beyond Eliezer’s request, and she will offer all that is needed...

However, in the actual playing-out of this episode (verse 18), Rivka, initially does not mention a word about watering the camels. She speaks only of bringing water for Eliezer, and then proceeds to draw water for the camels too. Rav Moshe Feinstein Zt”l powerfully explains that so great was Rivka’s kindness, it was second-nature to her that another's needs should be provided for. That Eliezer’s camels had to be watered was so obvious that she saw no need to say she would do it. Chesed was so much a core of her personality that it went beyond second-nature; it was her essence.

Rav Moshe is saying an incredible idea: the unspoken acts of kindness, the innate traits, are sometimes greater than the outspoken and verbalized ones. It showed that kindness was deeply ingrained her very fiber. In a certain sense it didn't need to be “verbalized” – and perhaps if it was, it would have cheapened it.

The need to verbalize and publicize our ideals is known as “Virtue Signaling.” To bloviate, to speak of ideals, serves to make us feel good about ourselves, for we have now shown others how virtuous we are. But too often, it leads to a feeling of superiority, so that when acts of kindness are performed, it's not because they are ingrained in us. Instead, it is a robotic mirroring of chesed, of what we (or others) perceive to be kindness. Inevitably, this “kindness” will be misapplied – because it’s merely a cheap knock-off of the real thing.

This lesson of the ingrained trait of chesed is beautifully contrasted to last week's episode of Lot and the angels in Sodom. On the one hand, he risked his life to save his guests, mirroring Avraham's trait of kindness. Yet on the other hand, incredibly, he offered his own children to the rabid mob of Sodomites. How could he act in such a contradictory manner? To protect his guests, while serving up his own children?!

In light of what we discussed above, the Alter of Slabodka explains* that Lot’s chesed was a superficial form of kindness, which while on the surface appeared virtuous, did not go beyond the surface level. It was not ingrained in him in a true way, and therefore it was horribly misapplied. This led him to protect his guests at all costs, while sacrificing his own children! Chesed – or any trait for that matter – that is not really processed into our character, is only skin-deep. It is not real.

The greatness of Rivka was that her kindness was not a virtue, or an ideal to be “spoken about,” rather it was a reality, it was her life. It was as much a concrete part of her personality as her name. This is what Eliezer was looking for in a spouse for the son of Avraham, the paragon of kindness, the epitome of inculcating the trait of kindness in his service to G-d.

This is the level of character that we strive for: to have chesed become ingrained in our essence and a part of both our conscious and subconscious. We should grow strong in our resolve and be blessed in our efforts in this endeavor.

Shabbat Shalom

*See the Alter’s explanation of the Midrash which states that Lot was saved from Sedom in the merit of his revealing to the Egyptians that Sarah was the wife of Avraham, and not his Hachnasas Orchim. He explains that the act of Hachnasas Orchim was by habit, while the act of not revealing the truth about Avraham was true test of his loyalty. The struggle and overcoming is what is valued, not the act by rote.

 

Parshat Vayeira - Illness and Identity

 

This week's parsha begins “Hashem, appeared to him in the plains of Mamre” (18:1) Rashi comments that G-d's appearance was for the purpose of visiting Avraham who was ill following his circumcision. Interestingly, the Torah does not name who is being visited by God.

 

Rav Yaakov Kenizel, in his commentary on Rashi, notes this problem; how does Rashi know that this was the intention? He explains that Rashi knew from the fact that the Torah does not identify Avraham. Thus this parsha must be coming off the heels of Parshas Lech Lecha which concluded with Avraham performing a circumcision on himself, and there he was fully identified. 

 

But one could still ask, why doesn't the Torah formally name Avraham? Why rely on such a seemingly convoluted method to figure it out?

  

Perhaps there is a deeper message hidden here. As we know, G-d comes to visit Avraham in his pain. After Avraham undertook the arduous mitzvah of Brit Milah, Hashem comes to perform the mitzvah of Bikur Cholim – visiting the sick, so to speak. In order to curtail the burden upon Avraham, G-d even made the day hotter, as the medrash explains to stop travelers from passing by his tent lest Avraham would tend to them. All of this because Avraham was in pain – G-d was sensitive to the feelings of Avraham. For the truth is, as we know, when a person is sick, they're not “themselves”; they are not at their best and they don't look their best, whether because of a serious illness G-d forbid, or something as simple as a headache. Too often it is easy to judge or conclude that this is the true person.

 

This idea is born out in a vivid and difficult memory of mine. I had a relative who throughout his life was the paragon of sensitivity and mentchlichkeit. Unfortunately, he was stricken with brain cancer to which he ultimately succumbed. I watched painfully as this great man, over the time he received treatments, became bloated and immobile. He lost his hair, and due to to his incredible pain, his temper as well. It was almost as though he was a different person. This person who I adored for so many years and admired for his care and sensitivity to his spouse, was now irritable and moody towards her.  It felt so incongruent – how could this happen? How could a person undergo such a drastic change? Was this who he really was deep down? How could all those years of character vanish in such a short amount of time? I struggled to make sense of what I was being presented with.

  

That was until I learned this parsha. Then I understood this important lesson in Bikur Cholim and in empathy. In not identifying Avraham by name, the Torah teaches us that a person in pain is not “himself”, that pain and difficulty can take over a person, and become an impediment to be the person who he really is deep down. It is not a true representation of that person. Rather the true self is covered under the difficulties that they are bearing. And we, the onlookers, must understand that they are not the true version of themselves. 

 

The message doesn't end there. In truth, this episode is a tremendous praise of Avraham. Despite his deep pain, he so desired to perform the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim – Hospitality – and we see the great effort that he invested in that. But this is a praise of Avraham, our righteous forefather who lived on this great spiritual level and was able to overcome the pain. For us, it is not so easy. We are not Avraham Avinu, and we cannot expect that of ourselves or of others. What we can do is strive to better understand the pain and empathize with those who find themselves in this difficult situation.

 

This should serve for us as a lesson in empathy and love for others around us. May we continually grow to be the best version of ourselves.

 

 

 

Shabbat Shalom