Parsha Paragraphs
Rabbi Naftali Moshe Kassorla
Parshat Naso 5779
Family Matters
The D’var Torah for this week is dedicated in honor of:
אשתי החשובה מינדל אסתר בת זיסל רבקה
אשתי החשובה מינדל אסתר בת זיסל רבקה
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Among the many topics discussed in this week's parsha are the laws concerning the Sotah. I would venture to say that this has to be one of the saddest episodes in the Torah – a story of distrust between husband and wife, leading to the destruction of their שלום בית.
A woman becomes a Sotah when a man accuses his wife of inappropriate behavior with another man. She is then instructed to drink the מי מרים. In these waters are placed a parchment on which the Parshat Sotah is written, most importantly including Hashem’s Ineffable Name. By placing the scroll in the waters, Hashem’s name is erased.
We must keep in mind that erasing Hashem’s Name is a very serious aveirah. Rashi explains that the Kohen would actually send the Sotah from place to place so that she would tire out - perhaps this would cause her to confess, thus saving Hashem’s Name from being erased. The Gemara tells us the Kohen would plead with her to confess saying:
עשי לשמו הגדול שנכתב בקדשה, שלא ימחה על המים
Act for the sake of His Great Name written in holiness, so that it will not be erased by the water!
The question I have asked myself for years is: why must the name of Hashem be erased? Would it not have been sufficient for the Sotah to be interrogated, or perhaps to have her read the the פרשת סוטה? Is the Hand of Hashem limited? Is this the only way to test the סוטה? I think there is a deeper lesson embedded in this process and from it we can take a tremendous lesson here on the paramount importance that Hashem places on שלום בית.
As we all are painfully aware, many petty squabbles and fights begin with some innocuous issue, be it a thoughtless comment one made, to something as menial as a window being left open. Small things that – in the big picture – can be ignored or dealt with on their own merits.
Yet too often, those small issues get escalated to a point beyond repair. Instead the issue gets “globalized,” with each side pointing to the “real” deeper issue involved here. By the time the disagreement reaches that stage, the initial reason for the fight is almost totally forgotten!
What was once something that could have been dealt with or ignored, has now become a complicated web of intricate and interconnected episodes which will almost surely become impossible to untangle.
This mess began, and was perpetuated, because each side wasn’t willing to compromise for the sake of שלום; each side insisted on proving that they are right, adding fuel to the already raging fire. No one was willing to “give in.”
The story of the Sotah probably did not begin with an accusation of unfaithfulness. It may have started with some small and petty argument which escalated, with each side fighting hard to be right. Only then was distrust sowed.
By erasing His Name, Hashem is sending the sharpest mussar to both sides: שלום בית cannot exist unless one is willing to be “erased,” willing to place the goal of שלום above the “self.” Hashem is saying: “If each of you is not willing to give in for the sake of peace, then I will give in - I will erase My Name.” For it is worth being the loser for the sake of Shalom.
This exact idea is really a Gemara in Nedarim (66b). The Gemara relates a story of a husband who made a vow to forbid his wife from any benefit from him, until she fulfilled a wacky idea:
ההוא דאמר לה לדביתהו קונם שאי את נהנית לי עד שתטעימי תבשילך לרבי יהודה ולר"ש ר' יהודה טעים אמר ק"ו ומה לעשות שלום בין איש לאשתו אמרה תורה שמי שנכתב בקדושה ימחה על המים המאררים בספק ואני על אחת כמה וכמה
The Gemara relates: There was a certain person who said to his wife: Benefiting from me is forbidden by a vow for you, until you have given Rabbi Yehuda and Rabbi Shimon your cooked food to taste, for them to see how bad of a cook she was. She brought the food to them, and Rabbi Yehuda tasted it, without concern for his own honor. He said: This is Kal Vachomer, for in order to make peace between a man and his wife, Hashem said: My name, that is written in sanctity, shall be erased out in the waters that curse in preparing the water that a Sotah would drink. This is so even in a case of where it is uncertain if this will bring peace between them, as she may or not be guilty of adultery. I, all the more so, should waive my honor in order to bring peace to this couple.
Where did Rebbe Yehuda see from the erasing of Hashem’s name that he must forgo on his own honor? (In fact, the Gemara later relates that Rebbe Shimon refused to taste the food, as it was an affront to Torah Scholars to be “shlepped in” into such a crazy episodes.) How did Rebbe Yehuda know to make this Kal Vachomer? The answer, as we said above, is because the Borei Olam himself sets the tone by telling us in no uncertain terms: One's own personal honor can never stand as an impediment to making שלום.
When I was in my second year in Netiv Aryeh, I had the זכות of assisting my Rebbe HaRav Yoel Yehoshua שליט״א in the “Ask Rav Nevenzahl” project. Alumni of the Yeshiva would send halachic questions to us, which we would then learn the sugya together and the questions involved, then we would present the shayla to Mori V'Rabi HaRav Avigdor Nevenzahl שליט״א. The question we received and presented to the Rav was whether it was proper for a husband to wake up in the middle for תיקון חצות if, by doing so, there was a possibility he would wake up his wife. Rav Nevenzahl answered that this was absolutely forbidden, and after a short pause to gather his thoughts, Rav Nevenzahl said the words that will remain with me forever: “a lack of שלום בית is a greater churban than the destruction of the בית המקדש.”
I was astounded. Think of how many times a day we pray for the restoration of the בית המקדש? We devote so much time and energy to mourning its loss. Yet, the destruction resulting from lacking שלום בית is more severe than the חורבן הבית! Incredible!
It is said about the Satmar Rav זצ״ל that whenever he would hear of an engagement, he would give a brocha in Yiddish saying: דער שידוך זאל עולה יפה זיין - translated as “they should have a beautiful marriage.” But in the Satmar Rav’s deep גאונות, he was saying much more. The word עולה in Hebrew also means value, so the Rav was also saying the marriage should be the same in value – equal – to the Gematria of יפה. The value of י-פ-ה is 95. If one takes a look in the Sefer Hachinuch, what is the 95th mitzvah (מצוה צ״ה)? The mitzvah of ועשו לי מקדש ושכנתי בתוכם! Not only was the Satmar Rav blessing for a good marriage, but he was also providing the paradigm for a happy marriage: a marriage where Hashem – not the “self” – forms the bedrock of the relationship. A marriage truly is a microcosm of the בית המקדש, and of course it is no surprise that its destruction is compared to the Churban itself.
With Shavuot approaching, as we experience a re-acceptance of the Torah and Mitzvot – both Bein Adom L'Makom and Bein Adom L'Chaveiro – may we be zoche to rise to new spiritual heights, meriting the arrival of Moshiach speedily in our days. Amen.
Shabbat Shalom
