הרב הגאון ידיד נפשי ר׳ יצחק בן רחל שליט״א ורעייתו מינא רחל בת אידה חיה תח׳
יהי רצון שימלא הקב״ה כל משאלות לבכם לטובה מתוך נחת שמחה ושפע
This week’s parsha tells us of Eliezer’s mission: to find a wife for Yitzchak, his master Avraham Avinu’s son. Avraham has Eliezer swear to complete this task, not taking a girl from the Canaanite nations, and bring home the bride.
Officially, all Eliezer needed to do was seek out Betuel and Lavan and pick out the girl for Yitzchak and head home. Yet he doesn’t do that. Instead, he sets up a test of sorts: “Behold I am standing by the spring water...let it be that the maiden to whom I shall say ‘Please tip over your jug so I may drink’, and who replies ‘Drink, and I will even water your camels,’ her will you have designated for Your servant, for Yitzchak... ” (Bereishit 24:13-14). Eliezer requested that the sign be for the girl to offer to water to him and his camels.
The Malbim explains that the intent of Eliezer's request was to glean understanding of Rivka’s character traits. He preferred a girl with modesty and simplicity, the kind of person who would rather draw water herself, and not through her servants, despite her family's wealth. (1*)
As mentioned previously, Eliezer asks G-d that Rivka should respond, “Drink, and I will even water your camels.” (Ibid. 14) The Sforno explains that Eliezer wanted to see that her actions go above and beyond his request, and she will offer all that is needed. Eliezer stipulates that together with offering to give him a drink, she should also offer to give the camels a drink, even though he doesn’t explicitly ask for that.
However, in the actual playing-out of this episode (ibid. 18), when giving Eliezer a drink, Rivka does not mention a word about watering the camels. She speaks only of bringing water for Eliezer. Only after Eliezer finished drinking does Rivka proceed to draw water for the camels too. (2*)
Rav Moshe Feinstein זצ״ל (Darash Moshe) gives a fascinating insight into what these actions demonstrate about Rivka. Says Rav Moshe, it is only human nature that when doing a kindness for another we overstate or promise more than asked for. This is not necessarily out of haughtiness, rather it stems out of the desire to make the other person feel comfortable in asking ask for more, to assure them that they are dealing with a giving person who wants to fill their needs entirely.
However, Rav Moshe explains, Rivka’s trait of חסד was so refined that it was second-nature to her that another's needs should be provided for. That Eliezer’s camels had to be watered was so obvious, she didn’t even consider it a חסד at all, and thus saw no need to even verbalize her intentions – of course she would do it! Chesed was so much the core of her personality that it went even deeper than second-nature; it was her essence.
This idea from Rav Moshe leads us towards an incredible lesson: If one doesn’t even think to mention his actions, it shows that the trait of kindness is ingrained in his very fiber. Thus the unspoken acts of kindness, the innate traits, are sometimes greater than the outspoken and verbalized ones.
In a certain sense Rivka’s act didn't need to be “verbalized” – and perhaps if it was, it would have cheapened it. This need to verbalize and publicize our good deeds and stringencies is known as “virtue signaling”, a negative and haughty trait. People engaged in this type of showiness tend to bloviate, serving no purpose other than to make them feel good about themselves, for they have now shown others how virtuous they are. This only naturally leads to a feeling of superiority, so that when acts of kindness do get performed, it's not because they are ingrained in us. Instead, it is a robotic mirroring of chesed, of what we (or others) perceive to be kindness. Inevitably, this “kindness” will be misapplied – because it’s merely a synthetic knock-off of the real thing.
I heard a good line several weeks ago which recently became very popular that illustrates this idea perfectly: “Empty barrels make the most noise”. Generally, the less תוכן (substance) a person has, the louder one tends to be.
Rav Eliyahu Dessler once quipped that a person can become a בעל גאווה (very haughty) by working on his עניוות (humility). Meaning that by working on humility, one can also start looking down on others for “not being as humble as me”, which would ironically defeat the purpose of his efforts. This type of self-improvement is empty and self-serving. And when manifested in this way, even his humility is filled with haughtiness.
This lesson of the ingrained trait of חסד is beautifully contrasted with last week’s episode of Lot and the Angels in Sodom. Lot welcomes the angels, as guests to his home. Upon hearing of them, the people of the city attempt to break down his door and attack Lot’s guests. Lot, in a futile attempt to stave the gang off, offers his daughters to them. On the one hand, he risked his life to save his guests, mirroring Avraham’s trait of kindness. Yet on the other hand, unfathomably, he offered his own daughters as meat to the rabid mob of Sodomites. How could he act in such a contradictory manner? Protecting his guests, while serving up his own children?!
In light of what we discussed above, the Alter of Slabodka explains (3*) that Lot’s חסד was superficial, which he only mimicked from growing up in the house of Avraham. His חסד appeared virtuous on the surface, but never went beyond the surface level. It was not ingrained in him in a deep way, and therefore it is no wonder that it was horribly misapplied. This led him to protect his guests at all costs, while sacrificing his own children! Chesed – or any trait for that matter – that is not really processed into our character, is only skin-deep.
The greatness of Rivka was that her kindness was not a virtue, or an ideal to be “spoken about,” rather it was a reality, it was her life. Does one need an announcement every time they breath? Of course not! For Rivka, doing acts of kindness was equally as natural and a concrete part of her personality as was her name. This is what Eliezer was looking for in a spouse for the son of Avraham – the paragon of kindness, the archetype of inculcating and infusing that kindness into his עבודת השם.
This is the level of character that we strive for: to have chesed become ingrained in our essence and a part of both our conscious and subconscious. And though we may not be at this level yet, we should not despair or minimize our deeds We should grow strong in our resolve and be blessed in our efforts in this endeavor.
Shabbat Shalom
2* Interestingly, when Eliezer recounts the story to Rivka’s family, he tells it over as if she fulfilled his initial request, and that she initially offered both him and the camels a drink.
