Parshat Vayeitzei 5778 - One Word, a World of Difference

Parsha Paragraphs

Rabbi Naftali Kassorla

Parshat Vayeitzei 5778

One Word, a World of Difference

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הרב בנימין בייניש בן הרב שלום זצ"ל

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In this week's parsha we learn about Yaakov leaving his family, the work he did for Lavan, and the children his wives bore – building the future nation of the Jewish People.

Yaakov, fulfilling the command of his father and mother, finally reaches Lavan. Lavan excitedly runs out to greet Yaakov, for he recalls how when Eliezer visited the family on his mission, he arrived with a wealth of gifts. Lavan expects that Yaakov will follow suit.

However, as the Midrash tells us, Yaakov gave all his money to Eisav’s son Eliphaz. Eliphaz pursued Yaakov because he had been commanded by his father to kill Yaakov, but Yaakov was wisely able to convince Eliphaz to instead rob him of all his money, since a poor man is likened to a dead man (Nedarim 64b), and therefore fulfilling his father's directive. Thus Yaakov, upon his arrival to Charan, comes with nothing.

Yaakov recounts all this to Lavan, who was apparently dismayed to learn that Yaakov indeed had no gifts for him. Still, he welcomes Yaakov into his home saying: ״אך עצמי ובשרי״ – “Nevertheless, you are my bone and flesh” (Bereishit 29:14). Both the statement and the act are seemingly a great חסד on the part of Lavan – taking a destitute man into his home is no small feat, and receiving nothing for it in return. And Lavan doesn’t just invite him in arbitrarily; he does so on the account of familial ties, displaying a sense of love and brotherhood.

Yet, surprisingly, when we look towards our great Sages to give color and meaning to the interactions and motives of our forefathers, we see this episode in an entirely different light.

Rashi, quoting the Midrash Rabbah, tells us what was really going on beneath Lavan’s words: “‘I have no reason to bring you into the house since you have nothing in your hand, אך (nevertheless), because we are family, I will care for you a month of days.’ And so he [Lavan] did, but even that was not without charge, for Yaakov would graze [Lavan’s] flocks”.

This Chazal is truly astounding. In adding depth to what Lavan said, it changes the entire tone and intention of what was, on the surface, a good deed! How did Chazal extract this interpretation out of what Lavan said? What is it that they saw in Lavan’s words which altered the content so drastically?

The Mizrachi (one of the preeminent commentaries on Rashi) points to Lavan’s use of אך – a word which indicates an exclusion i.e. that Lavan “capped” his offer to house Yaakov. He was really limiting the chesed, saying that because he was receiving nothing, he had no reason to care for Yaakov. Rather only because Yaakov was family would Lavan care for him.

All Lavan really needed to say when welcoming Yaakov in was: אתה עצמי ובשרי - For your are my bone and flesh. This would have connoted to Yaakov that despite his having nothing, the ties of family obligated Lavan to care for him. Yet Lavan doesn't do that;  he adds אך. Two letters – one word – that changed everything. It seems that Lavan intended not merely to set up a scenario where he could “get something” out of Yaakov. He sent Yaakov a message: “You owe me.” He wanted to make Yaakov feel guilty.

Two letters, one word, small enough to slip right in, but big enough to destroy any semblance of a good deed. Lavan needed to make Yaakov feel guilty for not bringing anything, to make him feel like a burden, and create a debt that should be repaid. This is the antithesis of חסד; it is actually an evil act, and Chazal picked up on this subtle piece which made all the difference.

Lavan is known as the epitome of treachery, as we say in the Haggadah ובקש לבן לעקור את הכל. Nonetheless, it would be foolish to think that this type of act is limited solely to Lavan. For how often do we respond the same way – adding in a word, a pause, or something as subtle as a change in tone when we agree to do something? When asked for a favor or an errand, do we hesitantly reply: “Oy...yeah sure… I’ll do it”? How often do we recall to our friends the great act of חסד we did for them, telling them how hard or how expensive it was, supposedly without asking for anything in return? “You don’t even realize what I went through to…” Sure, we’d like to justify these statements as a showing of how much we care for the other person and the great lengths to which we would go to make them happy...but we all know that this is a falsity; deep down we want recognition for the thing we did, and that’s our “payment.”

Through further introspection, a person of sensitivity can objectively realize that all this serves to accomplish is making the recipient feel guilty for not just taking, but for even asking in the first place. We know how much those little exchanges can poison a positive relationship, and yet still we fall into this negative pattern of behavior. As givers, we should do for others without creating any feeling of guilt or debt, and that will be the greatest gift we can give – a true חסד.

Nobody wants to feel like they are a burden, and because of that, it is incumbent upon us (the givers) to give in way that not only strengthens, but also eases the feelings of the receiver.

We are familiar with the famous idea of Rav Eliyahu Dessler, that אהבה contains the lashon הב – which means to give. The implication here is that relationships are fostered through the process of giving and investment in another. But giving to another can only build the relationship when one gives in a way of drawing the person closer, not pushing them away. Lavan used the opportunity to push away, to extract something out of Yaakov, for his own personal gain.

My friend Rabbi Tuvia Epstein Shlit”a pointed out to me an incredible הערה, this low level act of kindness of Lavan is amazingly contrasted with what we have seen in the previous parshiot. Avraham welcomed in the travelling angels posing as men, offering them only water and bread, yet provided them with a full meal. But even more so, he was self-effacing when inviting them: ויאמר אם נא מצאתי חן בעיניך אל נא תעבור מעל עבדיך (And he said, ‘My Lord, if I find favor in your eyes, please pass not away from your servant’). Note how Avraham places the focus on their presence as a kindness to him, that it is his honor and pleasure to service them, in no way making the travellers feel that Avraham was doing them a favor!

This is how chesed should be done, not with guilting, not by self aggrandizement, rather simply focusing on others, their needs, their feelings, and their comfort. And the more focused we are on this goal, the more we can be aware of the subtle messages we are sending, and be sensitive to avoid any action which will detract from the great opportunity to do a complete chesed. We should be blessed in our endeavors in attempting to inculcate this lesson.

Shabbat Shalom